作文题目：剑9 P102
Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
There is no denying that several languages die out (1) in the past few years. (2) (3) Some people pay little attention to it and even regard this phenomenon as reduction of burden. (4) But for me, the disadvantages of losing this kind of culture (5) overweigh (6) the advantages.
1. 注意时态。in the past… years这个时间状语通常是跟现在完成时连用的。
2. There is no denying that这个句子套用得不好，有模板之嫌。可以改为：It has been reported that…/ Researches have indicated that…这样的句型。
3. 下面是引用人们的观点，中间加上表示转折的连接词，比如however。
4. reduction of burden过于抽象，表达的信息还不如
5. lose的明明是语言，怎么成了culture了?
6. 注意“超过”是用outweigh. 么有overweigh这个词，overweight是形容词表示“超重的”。
MODEL ANSWER:
It has been reported that several minority languages become extinct each year. However, some people are indifferent to this phenomenon, holding that it can reduce the barrier between people from different cultures. From my point of this view, the negative effets of this trend far outweigh the convenience that it may bring.
Obviously, the whole world tends to become more united and cooperated, (7) which results in convergence of different cultures. (8) Many countries introduce foreign culture even language (9)(10) throwing away their own ones to get involved in (11) globalization. Though traditional languages die out (12) with old generations passing away, several areas attain economic progress (13) and narrow the gap (14) between industrialized nations (15) by such extreme way of learning, which do make residence (16) live more easily. (17)
7. cooperated只是cooperate的过去式和过去分词。形容词是cooperative。
8. 注意中心句的写法。你这段是要承认小语种消失带来的好处，所以要把论点放在第一句。
MODEL ANSWER:
Admittedly, the reduction in the number of languages may bring the world closer, which will result in the assimilation of different cultures.
9. language和culture都是可数名词，不能单独使用，表示泛指的时候要加s。
10. 后面的现在分词和前面的句子缺乏逻辑上的联系词作连接。可以加上一个while。
11. 可以改用embrace.
12. 注意时态。这里应该使用现在完成时。
13. 典型Chinglish。改为economic progress has been attained.
14. 注意逻辑主语的问题。你这里的主语应该是前面的一整句话，而不应该是这里的areas。把and及后面的部分改为非限制性定语从句，which has narrowed the gap between…
15. 为何仅仅缩小工业化国家之间的差距?应该是between industrialised and developing countries.
16. “居民”是residents。residence是居住地的意思。
17. 从by开始我就完全没有看懂。为什么要说“极端的学习方法”?题目中有讲过?上文有说过?这个跟学习没啥关系吧。另外，使得国家发达为什么使人们生活变得更加容易?你是想说improve people’s living standard吧?
【段落点评】本段你想说的是语言的减少给经济带来的好处。可是你一半的篇幅在讲这个现象，而不是它造成的影响。
For (18) my way of thinking, however, the disappearing of minor languages (19) is a great loss for all human beings. Language, (9) as one kind of (20) precious heritage, was created and improved by older generations. It is an invaluable fortune given by (21) ancestors. By keeping giving it vitality, people can make use of it to create more fortunes both mentally and physically to make life much more easier. (22)Language (9) is more than its definition. Various languages have specific speaking systems, (23) which are involved in (24) thinking, expression and even every aspect of life. So from this perspective, people will not live as easily as expected. (25) A nation without its own language is like a three (26) living without roots. Moreover, language (9) is also a considerable (27) element of culture image, (28) which is becoming increasingly important globally.(29) Only countries possessing fascinating (30) power both in economics (31) and culture can convince the world that it is a nation with outstanding competence.
18. 注意搭配。应该是from.
19. 注意选词。应该是minority languages.
20. 改用a kind of就可以了，没必要强调one。
21. give这个词太低级，而且与下文重复。改为passed down from传承。
22. 怎么又来这句话了?稍微具体一些。
23. “言语系统”叫discourse system。
24. 这里应该是主动语态吧?
25. 不知道你想表达什么?怎么一会儿使生活变得更加容易，这里又变得不容易了?这里为什么说生活会变得不容易?
26. 注意拼写。
27. 为什么说“语言是文化形象的大量元素”?注意搭配啊。
28. 注意是cultural image.
29. 这个从句你想表达什么?语言很重要?这么抽象的话，怎么能作分论点?
30. 注意搭配，怎么能说“迷人的力量”?可用enormous/ considerable。
31. economics是经济学的意思。应该是economy.
【段落点评】本段讲了3个点，从第二点开始，条理变得非常混乱。给你的建议：1、用明显的连接词引出每一个论点;2、确保每个分论点都是讲“语言的重要性”，或者“语言灭绝后导致的后果”;3、确保每个分论点后面的论据都是针对论点进行，可以是解释、延伸、举例、对比;4、尽可能用五段式的分段来写，每段专写一个论点。
As inheritors of languages, every person (32) is obligated to learn it and protect it (33) instead of myopically pursuing simplification of life.
32. 前面说了inheritors，后面的主语自然也要用复数形式。改为all people are…
33. 同样，后面的it指代的是什么呢?前面的language你用了复数形式。
【段落点评】你的文章其实从第三段起已经开始偏题了。题目中问你的不是语言的重要性，而是语言数量减少的影响，其实就是minority language消亡的影响。你的第三段讲的都是语言的重要性，而不是保护小语种的重要性。结论段同样如此。
MODEL ANSWER:
In conclusion, a language, no matter how few its speakers are, is invaluable cultural heritage of human beings. Therefore, we should cherish this wealth, protect language diversity and carry all languages down from generation to generation.
项目 | 得分 | 点评 |
TR | 6 | 基本完成题目中的要求，但貌似对题目的理解有偏差，导致正文第二段和结论段出现了偏题。 |
CC | 5 | 文章条理非常不清楚，没有明显的中心句。论点的选择以及论点之间的衔接也叫人相当费解。 |
LR | 6 | 词汇满足基本表达，但个别地方仍有拼写、选词、搭配错误。 |
GRA | 6 | 语法基本过关，各种从句使用基本正确。但是句型还可以更加地道些。 |
总评 | 6 | 要努力从审题、逻辑角度入手确保自己的文章能拿到6分以上。 |
