你会相信算命术或占星术吗？也许你的回答是当然不会，那都是骗人的。可是如果有观点认为诸如占星术、算命术、灵异现象和超自然现象等非主流领域的探索在社会中起着非常重要的作用，因为它们能够满足人类的需求，而这些需求是主流科学领域尚未涉及的。面对这样的题目怎样展开论述呢，或许下面的例文能够提供一些启迪。
Nomainstream areas and Human Needs
Rules: Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.
Topic: "Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science."
习作修改
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It is true[1] that in contemporary society the nonmainstream areas of inquiry, such as astrology, fortune-telling and the like[2], satisfy human needs more[3] than the mainstream science. But what we should bear in mind is that, always[4] it is the mainstream science that point out the way to overcome various obstacles, and light up[5] people's hope in true meaning. |
In contemporary society nonmainstream areas of inquiry such as astrology and fortune-telling satisfy human needs more than mainstream science. But we should bear in mind that mainstream science always points the way to overcome obstacles and sparks people’s hope in finding truth. |
内容点评及修改
上面只是对习作的第一段的语言进行了修改，使用不当词句可以参看脚注的指正，然而只是这样的修改还不能使这一段成为一个好的开头段。在继续修改之前，有必要了解一下写作GRE作文第一段有怎样的要求，这里归纳为三点：
1.要有明确的立场（put forth a clear perspective）
这篇习作有明确的立场，即否认非科学的人类精神追求而赞成主流的、科学的探索。
2.要表现出作者对于题目的复杂性或其隐含意义有所理解(demonstrate the understanding of the complexities or implications of the issue)
GRE的题目的论述有时并不是黑白分明的。很多的issues并不要求作者站在一个clear cut position上。作者可以倾向于某一种观点，但是他应该考虑到对立面的观点也是有一定道理的。
3.要让读者了解下文的主要观点脉络(prepare readers for the main ideas of the following paragraphs)
文章第一段有责任展现后面的段落大概会出现什么样的内容，也就是第一段应该对下文的内容有一个综述。
如果按照这几点要求来衡量上文的话，很遗憾上文只做到了三个要求中的第一点。了解了这几点文章行文结构方面的要求，我们再结合这个具体的题目谈一谈内容。第一段在提出自己的观点之前，可以先对对立面的观点也是有一定道理的这一事实予以认可。例如我们可以承认这些非科学的精神追求在我们悲伤的时候给我们慰籍；在我们烦闷的时候给我们增添生活情趣；在我们沮丧的时候给我们点燃希望。然而这样的追求终究是建立在虚幻之上的。它们所带来的益处也是短命的，虚幻的。然后，再提出自己的观点，如科学是我们最值得信赖的源泉，是我们用于了解自身和解决实际问题最值得信赖的手段。具体的叙述请参见下面范例。
修改范例
In deed, astrology, fortune-telling and psychic readings can sometimes provide comfort when we are feeling sad, enliven our lives when we are bored, and spark hope when we are depressed. But these pursuits are ultimately based on falsehood and their benefits are short-lived and illusionary. Science remains the most reliable source for self-understanding and solutions to practical problems.
这段的最后一句话就是对全文的综述，让读者了解后面的内容大致是什么样子的。后面内容中大量的证据是用来说明科学是用来了解自身以及解决实际问题的最可靠的手段。这样的开头段做到了语言简洁，内容充实，结构清晰。
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Although called[6] nonmainstream areas, we should not ignore that to some extent, these areas such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various festivals, no matter[7] Chinese (such as Spring Festival) or Western (such as Valentine's Day), people are willing to resort to astrology, mostly hoping to meet good luck[8]. This kind of activity always meets[9] their needs, because the equivalent nature of astrology destines[10] it will not dampen people's enthusiasm and hope. With these nonmainstream areas people's life becomes more colorful. |
Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various holidays, whether Chinese or Western, people are willing to resort to nonmainstream ideas. These kinds of activities meet our needs because they encourage enthusiasm and hope and make people’s lives more colorful. |
内容点评及修改
这是习作的第二段，作者进一步展开论述，提出尽管迷信是非主流的，但是我们不能忽略它，因为它在这个社会上的确是有些作用的，有些积极因素。同时还举了些例子，如在中国和西方的节日中，人们都使用占星术，因为大多数人都希望有好运气。这样的活动满足了人们的需求，因为它没有削减人们的热情和希望。正因为有了这些非主流的追求，人们的生活才变得更加丰富多彩。
这一段大致的内容没有问题。但是在细微的地方，在内容和语言上都有值得改进之处。语言问题请参见脚注。这里主要谈一下内容方面的问题。
本文中的例子不足以支持论点。情人节与占星术无关，人们也不会希望过情人节能带来好运。中国春节习俗在中国是非常主流的文化内容，不能算是非主流的。同样，国外源于宗教的节日都不能归类于非主流。作者说的论点是非主流的信仰能够丰富人们的生活，就一定要用具体的实例来说明这些信仰如何丰富了人们的生活。
其实，在这段中可以说明一下非科学的信仰满足了人们什么方面的需求，在接下来的段落中对比说明科学又能给人们带来什么不同的或更多的好处。
另外，同学们的习作中较少使用插入语和短语，其实英语文章中常用一个逗号相隔，然后把短语放进去，这样可以调节读者在阅读时的呼吸，增加写作的节奏感。
对于考生来说找例证似乎很难，其实也不尽然。让我们来看看下面的段落是怎么阐述的。
修改范例1
Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. A glance at the astrology column in different newspapers and magazines reveals do’s and don’ts that contain more encouragement than warning. Frequently there are phrases like: “Aquarius should cease feeling depressed or exerting pressures on yourself”, or “Chances are good that Leo will get a promotion this week, so keep moving on and show your talent to your boss”, or “Things may go astray for Virgo this week, yet just wait to see the silver lining next week.” These nonmainstream contributions meet a need because they foster enthusiasm and hope and make our lives colorful.
和前面的范例相比，这段中的例子非常具体，它直接引用了报纸上星座命理栏目中的话。如宝瓶座不要感到沮丧，不要给自己太多的压力。狮子座的人这个星期能得到提拔，所以要加油干，让老板知道你的才干。处女座的人这个星期可能情况不太好，但是下个星期希望就出现了。由此可见，只要开动的脑筋，发挥想象力，例子，例证是比较容易写的，能够充分证明这个观点的例证还很多。
比如我们可以从这样一个角度论述，很多人并不是靠迷信或求助于非科学的信仰来安排他们的生活的。很多人在科学无法解释的情况下才有可能求助于这些非主流的东西。然后列举下面的事实。例如，一个死去妻子的人可能在梦见跟他的妻子说话。心理学可能解释这是因为他的潜意识的愿望。但是这位失去妻子的丈夫愿意相信他的妻子是在阴间跟他说话。一个孩子被绑架了的父亲在警察不能帮他找到孩子的下落的情况下就会相信巫术可以发现告诉他孩子藏身于何处。好像人们是愿意相信科学的，但在科学无法解释而人们又有极大的需求的情况下，他们就有可能走向非科学的解释。有了这些贴切的例证，然后再用地道的英文阐述出来，我们的作文就成功了。请看修改范例2。
修改范例2
Most people do not order their lives according to the paranormal, many would be willing to consider them as explanations when science fails or a possibility in the background of what is real. A husband who has lost his wife might have very vivid dreams in which he talks to her. Psychology may say that this resulted from his own subconscious wishes, but the husband may find himself believing that his wife has spoken from the dead. A father whose child has been kidnapped might consult a psychic for visions of where the child has been taken if the police investigations have failed. It seems that people can trust in science, but are willing to consider other possibilities when scientific explanations fail them.
上面的这一段中的例子可以启发我们想起更多的相关事实，其实这些都是我们日常生活中所经历的。我相信下面这些例子，听起来肯定也不陌生。当那些悲伤的遗属极度想要与他们去世的亲人见面的时候，他们可能就相信巫婆能够帮助活人和死人进行交流。比如白居易的《长恨歌》中就写道因唐明皇在杨贵妃死后过于思念她，于是就有人推荐“临邛道士鸿都客，能以精诚致魂魄。”，而唐明皇本人也相信并希望“天上人间会相见”。有些人对自己的职业或自己的前途感到担忧、不确定的时候，他们就求计于看手相或是算命的。那些感到地球是宇宙中一个非常孤独的所在的人就会相信在宇宙当中一定还有别的造福人类的生命存在。的确，巫术、占星术、以及其他的非主流精神现象在许多文化当中都存在。人们用这些办法来解释宇宙，来获得力量，否则的话在这个世界当中很多人就会觉得很无助。请看修改范例
修改范例3
Grieving family members seeking to contact their lost relatives find comfort in believing that mediums can contact the dead. Some people who are worried about their jobs or facing difficult decisions feel more assured about the future when they consult a palm-reader or fortune-teller. Those who lack power or feel that the earth is a lonely place in the vast universe may find a more acceptable perspective in believing that other benevolent beings exist. Witchcraft, astrology, and psychic phenomenon can be found in most cultures as man’s attempt to explain the universe, or to gain power over a world in which humans are otherwise helpless.
在真正的GRE考试中是不用把这上面举例的三段都放上去，写两段，甚至一段就足够了。因为在这篇文章当中作者更倾向于主流的科学，而否定这些非主流的精神追求。这里列出这么多就是为了提醒大家这些例证是万万缺不得的。而且，根据这些例子还要告诉大家，举出恰当贴切的例证并非如想象的那么难，只要多思考，平时多积累就可以在写作考试时信手拈来。
[1]“It is…”的句型使用不当，因为这里没有强调的必要。这个句型经常被滥用，使用时应注意避免。
[2]and the like在正式的写作中不应当出现这样的语汇。
[3]第一句话中的more引出了很大的问题，它曲解了题目原意, 即nonmainstream的作用比mainstream enquiry的作用还要重要。而题目原意是 “play a vital role”, 并不是 a “pivotal,” or “central” role.
[4]always的语序位置不对，应该是the mainstream science always…
[5]“燃起希望”可以写成sparked a hope, kindled a hope。“light up”在这里用错了，这个词组的意思是给人带来兴奋和快乐，如：The shining report cards lit up Father’s face. 优异的成绩单让父亲脸上流露出快乐。/The funny cartoon picture lit up the children's eyes. 这有趣的卡通画报让孩子们的眼中流露出快乐。
[6]第一句话语法错误，主语应该是”these areas”, 但是现在的主语成了“We”.
[7]“No matter”应改为“whether”。
[8]“meet good luck”，“有好运气”不是标准的英语表达。
[9]“This kind”后面应该是复数，后面的谓语不应当是meets。
[10]“destine”一词表示“一定”，通常是用作形容词：He was destined for an important career in the Church of England. 他注定在英国的教堂中担任重要职务。/By family tradition he was destined for a career as a regular army officer.因为家庭传统，他肯定要当一个军官。
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The nonmainstream areas can do harm to[1] the society, only when people don't inquire them merely for fun, but for resolution[2] of life instead. It is ignorance because no one in the world could point out way for others, neither does the God[3]. Only those people with confidence have the possibility to successfully solve problems. |
Nonmainstream areas can harm society when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun. This is done from ignorance, since nobody, not even God, can provide any answers. Only people with confidence can successfully solve their problems. |
内容点评及修改
这是习作的第三段，作者进一步提出如果是为了好玩而相信迷信的东西是没有关系的。假设你是用迷信的东西来解决生活问题就会出问题。因为这个世界上没有人能够为其他的人指明道路，上帝也不行。他所说的最后这句话有点过于绝对，很多人是可以为他人指明道路，他们的职业就是这样的，比方说辅导员、老师。
这段与前一段的问题一样，只阐明了观点，但是没有提出任何的例证来支持观点。只说论点，不讲证据是中国学生的普遍问题。另外，在英语国家里，上帝是主流的而不是“非主流的”。在内容上又有点偏题。文章的题目是主流与非主流，可以定义为科学与迷信，但是宗教并不是迷信。宗教在西方社会是居于主流地位的。这一段的措辞有点像是讨论科学与宗教的关系，这是不恰当的。不过，这篇习作有一个突出的优点就是每一段的开头句都有topic sentence开宗明义。
如果想要使这段的论述更加充实，不妨添加下面这些例子。如一个人如果得病的话应该去找医生而不是去找算命的。星象学家也许会相信星座的移动造成了流行性感冒，但是真正治疗感冒症状的可能是阿司匹林。另外，不能只提出只有那些具备信心和解决问题能力的人才能克服困难，要用例子支持一下，可以举出如果因为星座专栏说你在找工作方面有非常好的运气，你就对一次找工作的面试掉以轻心，那就可能会把好机会糟蹋了。这就是对“只有那些有信心的人、有自信的人才能解决问题”的说明。
修改范例
Nonmainstream areas can be harmful when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun. A person who becomes ill should seek help from a health care professional but should not resort to consulting a fortune-teller. Astrologers may believe that the rotation of planets accounts for influenza, yet aspirin is definitely more effective in treating its symptoms. As for individuals, only people with confidence and problem-solving skills can surmount difficulties. If you treat an important interview lightly just because the astrology column says that you have fabulous luck in job-hunting, you may ruin a great opportunity.
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And[4] the mainstream science plays the very vital role to provide people with reasonable methods[5]. These science are based on practical experiments, carefully analize and reasoning[6]. They may not seem as good as those nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help. |
On the other hand, science plays the very vital role of providing people with reasoned[7] methods to conduct life. Science is based on practical experiments, careful analysis, and reasoning. They may not seem as miraculous as nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help. |
内容点评及修改
这一段大问题跟前面类似，只是提出了主流的科学给人们提供合理的方法。这些科学是基于实验，仔细的分析和逻辑的方法的。它们看上去不如非主流的追求那样满足人们的追求，但是却能给人提供真正的帮助。这是作者的观点，但是没有具体说明科学是如何给人们提供合理的方法，缺乏真正能够支持论点的实例。下面的修改范例在内容上对原稿进行了补充。不仅提出科学不像那些迷信那样能够给人们提供奇迹的、不可思议的方法，但是在科学朴实的外表之下它能够给人们带来真正的帮助，并例举了具体的科学门类所给人们提供的帮助。
修改范例
On the other hand, the history of mankind has amply demonstrated that, science based on experiments and analysis, provide people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Psychology explains human behavior. Sociology enlightens people on their relationship with their surrounding environment. Modern medicine has advanced so much that it is now possible to predict cancer even before a child is born.
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Generally speaking, the so-called[8] nonmainstream areas color our life to a great extent, but we should believe in[9] the mainstream science when we want to resolve problems[10]. |
Mainstream areas color our lives to a great extent, but we should put our trust in mainstream science when we want to solve real problems. |
习作总评
这篇习作所犯的错误非常有代表性，提出的观点几乎完全没有例证。这是中国学生最大的通病。许多学生似乎觉得如果观点是公认的，就不需要例证了。但是现在是在考写作能力，其中最重要的一条就是能否用恰当地例证支持观点。至于观点是否新颖还是其次的考量。
第二个错误，也是非常普遍的错误就是没有表现出对问题的复杂性的理解。有老师把这一点说成是“表达复杂思想的能力”。这样说不准确。GRE作文不要求表达“复杂的思想”,而是表现出洞悉议题的复杂性的能力。GRE的题目往往不是黑白分明的，你可以有自己的观点，多么强烈都可以，但是从第一段起，就要注意展现对问题复杂性的认识。具体说，就是认识到你反驳或不同意的观点往往也有它的道理。
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